


One Night In Gotham

by StripedSunhat



Series: Waking Words [5]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Accidentally High, Damian Wayne Has No Chill, Damian Wayne Hates Everything, Drunk Marinette Just Wants to Kiss Her Boyfriend, Gotham is Absolutely the Type of City to Encourage Random Blood Feuds, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Humor, What Dreams and Noodle Incidents are Made of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-10
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-17 10:41:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 17,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29965143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StripedSunhat/pseuds/StripedSunhat
Summary: What was supposed be date night goes from romantic to tense to all hell in rapid succession.In which no one istechnicallydrunk because inhibition-lowering pollen from genetically modified superplants is nottechnicallyalcohol.  (Betty Boop juice, Cosmopolitan, Short Trip to Hell, Cement Mixer, Blood and Sand, Buried Treasure, Lita Grey, and Charlie Chaplin are all alcohol but Harley, Ivy and Selina could all drink a horse under the table and will continue to argue their classification as ‘merely tipsy’ despite drinking enough collectively to knock out said horse.)A two-shot set after Every Morning As I Wake, but can be read independently
Relationships: Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug/Damian Wayne, Pamela Isley/Harleen Quinzel
Series: Waking Words [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1946038
Comments: 39
Kudos: 105





	1. Punch Drunk Love

**Author's Note:**

> Once again, a hand for our beta, blueisasome!
> 
> Hello and welcome! This two-shot is set between Every Morning and it's sequel, in the early days of Marinette and Adrien's post-Hawkmoth days.
> 
> And oh yeah, Every Morning is getting a sequel. So keep an eye for that; it's next

Gotham was never truly quiet. No city containing the people it does can ever really be. But tonight was as quiet as Gotham ever got. For which Damian was almost embarrassingly grateful. The amount of time he got to spend actually with Marinette was small enough as it was without it being interrupted by supervillains. It’s not that he doesn’t like fighting alongside her – watching his Angel fling herself into battle, laughing at danger as if it could never touch her, was part terror, part awe – but tonight just wanted to take his girlfriend on a date.

Marinette had worn one of her Ladybug-themed designs that she wouldn’t let herself wear in Paris, a formfitting sleeveless black jumpsuit underneath an ankle-length halter dress of shimmering, diaphanous red fabric that floated around her legs and caught the light as she moved. Her hair was pulled up in dozens of curls by pins tipped with red gems each no bigger than a fingernail, turning her hair into an angel’s halo. She’d added a pair of tall red heels that, while didn’t put her at equal height with him, did put their faces closer together than they’d ever been. The final touch was the purse she was carrying Tikki in, a black clutch with red embroidery carefully detailing a robin in flight. Damian had needed to remind himself that openly staring was rude… and how to breathe.

They’d gone for a walk through one of the more secluded parks. He had looped his arm around her waist and Marinette had snuggled in close, pressed against his side. There were so many things he loved about Marinette. But, especially with her living in France, it somehow managed to slip his mind how incredibly, absolutely, breathtakingly beautiful she was.

True night was just beginning to fall as they left the park on their way to dinner. Marinette’s dress left her shoulder blades bare and the way she’d occasionally broken away to walk just one or two steps ahead of him before looking back over her shoulder and smiling made it clear she was well aware of the impact it had. He was just working up the nerve to test his luck and rest his hand on her bare shoulder blades.

And that was when his phone rang.

Damian dropped his hand, swearing viciously inside his head. “I am sorely tempted to not answer that.”

Marinette smiled indulgently at him. “You’d never actually do that.”

“That is debatable,” Damian said, but he was already reaching for his phone. Marinette knew him far too well.

“So,” Barbara said as soon as he picked up. “How was your date?”

“Still ongoing.”

“About that…”

“No.”

“Mr. Freeze broke out. And somehow already has a liquid nitrogen gun. I swear I’m moving to Keystone.”

Damian ignored her complaints. If everything else in her life up until this point hadn’t this certainly wouldn’t be what tipped her over and he had more important things to focus on than her self-indulgent whining. “Call someone else.”

“Bruce, Dick and Tim got called to the Watchtower and Jason and Cass are still out of the country. That just leaves you and Steph.”

Damn everything.

Still, he had to make one last attempt at preserving his evening with Marinette, even as his body was already gearing up for the coming fight. “Surely Brown is more than skilled enough to handle this on her own.”

“Probably but with the liquid nitrogen gun – again, how did he get it so fast, you’d think after all these years I’d have learned but still – anyway, point being it’s better to pull out a double-team now than have to scramble if things do take a dive.”

“Where is he?”

“In front of Powers medical center.”

There was a spare uniform at Drake’s apartment and it was a straight shot from where he was now to Drake’s apartment and then on to Powers Medical Center rather than going all the way back to the manor. 

“Do you want Chat and I to come help out?” Marinette asked, leaning in closer to the phone?

“You have the stuff you need for that figure skating power up with you?”

Marinette frowned, brow furrowing unhappily. “No,” she said, voice heavy with self-recrimination. Damian reached out for her hand with his free one, stroking his thumb over her knuckles. “I don’t even have the macarons ready at the moment. I’ve got the supplies needed for the potion back at the manor but none made up yet. It was on my list of plans for tomorrow.”

“Then just hang back for now. Spoiler and Robin should be enough to handle Freeze. But I’ll let you guys know if our side starts losing their cool and we need you to bring the heat.”

“You spend far too much time around Grayson. Seven minutes.” Hanging up he turned towards Marinette.

“Looks like we’re going to have to put our date on pause.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault. It’s our job. Besides, optimism! Maybe you and Steph will beat him quickly and we’ll be able to finish our date after.”

“I appreciate the optimism,” he said, leaning forward to lay a kiss on her lips. “However, experience tells me that is not likely. You should probably call Alfred to pick you up.”

“Adrien’s downtown, I’ll call him. That way we’ll be nearby if things do _heat up._ And if it does end up being too late to pick back up with our date Adrien and I can swing back to the cave together.” She leaned forward, heels giving her the added height to easily kiss him back. “Now go. Your city needs their Robin.”

* * *

Spoiler was already engaged with Freeze, dodging wild blasts of his gun while the terrified civilians in the lobby tried to file further into the building.

“Couldn’t you find somewhere better to rob?” she asked pulling out a bolo at throwing it at Freeze’s feet. It got hit by the spray, shattering as it hit the ground. “There’s got to be better targets then a start-up research clinic.”

“Robbery? You think this is a simple robbery? Do you know what Powers has _done?_ He buys the rights to all of Dr. Lyle Johnson’s research and then he buries everything to do with MacGregor’s Syndrome!”

Robin swung in throwing a smoke bomb, giving Spoiler a chance to jump back onto the rooftop with him. “Ah shit,” she muttered. “It’s not a crime wave, it’s retribution.”

Freeze hefted the barrel of his gun directly at the air conditioning unit on the side of the building. Pulling out his katana Robin dropped down, aiming for his shoulders. Freeze noticed him. Robin twisted in midair, wrapping his cape tight around himself. The barrel swung upwards.

That was all the opening Spoiler needed to throw another bolo. It wrapped around his arms, trapping them.

Robin hit the ground hard, cape shattering. But it had protected him against the hit, doing its job.

“So,” Oracle said over their communicators. “How’s the fight?”

“Still ongoing. Which you know.”

“About that…”

“No.”

“Poison Ivy is attacking in Vesper Park. I think she and Harley are fighting.” Freeze twisted, grabbing one of the canisters of nitrogen and stabbing it against the sharp edges of his suit. Pressurized liquid nitrogen shot everywhere.

“Great!” Spoiler said, diving for cover. “I’ll take Ivy and Robin can clean up here with Freeze.”

**“No.”**

“Robin’s right. If this really is a couple’s fight with Ivy then Harley _will_ show up at some point and she’s had a soft spot for Robin ever since Jason. And Freeze still hesitates on dealing any final blows against girls after that whole kidnapping me for parts thing all those years ago. Seriously, why have I not already moved to Keystone?”

“Better question,” Spoiler asked, pulling out a flare and chucking it. “Why is the origin of so many of our tactical advantages trauma?”

“I think that’s more the law of averages intersecting with the sheer amount of trauma this family collectively has.”

Robin pulled out his grappling hook. “I’ll go take care of Ivy.”

“Oh sure, take the fun villain,” Spoiler called as he swung away. “Leave me here with the vengeful madman with a freeze gun.”

* * *

Vesper Park looked nothing like it had when he’d left it earlier that night. Now it better resembled the final set piece of a B-movie about killer alien plants. The gates were shut, bittersweet nightshade creeping over them, locking them in place. Beyond that, giant flowering vines of an unknown plant crisscrossed around each other, creating a maze. The vines twisted and squirmed, reaching out as if to grab him. More worrisome however was the yellow haze hanging over the area from the pollen floating out of the flowers.

Setting his air filter over his nose and mouth he dropped down into the small knot of police officers lingering at the edge of the park. They’d all already pulled on their gas masks but were apparently still unwilling to get any closer. “Robin,” the closest officer – Lieutenant Arno –said, rushing over to him, not even attempting to disguise his relief.

“Do we know how many civilians were in the park when the attack started?”

“No. But this time of night, probably one or two dozen.”

“Have you managed to get anyone out of the park yet?”

Arno suddenly looked very uncomfortable. “No. …But–”

“Woohoo!!” A gas mask free officer scrambled unsteadily on top of one of the patrol cars. Once he’d managed to reach a… _mostly_ steady position on top of the roof he threw his hands up. “I am Batman!! Evildoers beware! The Night is _Here_ bitches!!” He flung his arms out, overbalancing himself and falling off the car.

“Strode! I thought you were watching him! Johnson got a face full of it before he could get his mask on,” he said to Robin.

“And it made him think he’s… Batman.”

“I doubt it,” Stone said from where she’s wrangled Johnson into an upright sitting position. “He did the same thing the last time he got drunk. Tried to jump into the bay to test out his bat shark repellent.”

“Bat shark repellent.”

Strode glanced over at him. “Look I don’t need to tell you but this job is very stressful. Sometimes it’s get drunk and claim you’re Batman or end up pulling a crime spree that ends in Arkham. Besides, he’s only been kidnapped for ‘being dumb enough to let his secret identity slip’ three times.”

Robin looked over at Johnson. He was shorter than even Red Robin, and with a silhouette that could most accurately be described as gently rounded.

And this was why Class D villains were not worth the time.

* * *

For all the vines seemed to have a mind of their own they didn’t seem particularly interested in attacking him beyond continually spraying pollen at him. His filter did its job but visibly was rapidly becoming a problem.

Something slammed into his side. Robin flipped the figure over his shoulder, reaching for a batarang. A second figure tackled him, lunging for the batarang. Robin grabbed the other’s wrist and wrenched it up, throwing them to the ground. He moved to throw the batarang at the first figure when the one on the ground twisted around and bit him. Robin yanked his hand back, flipping his grip on the batarang to cut at his attacker.

He stopped, the tip of the batarang less than half a centimeter away from Adrien’s face.

Adrien blinked. His green eyes were almost entirely black, pupils blown wide. “It’s not nice to stab your friends Feathers.” Adrien blinked again. “I think you cut my hoodie.” Sure enough there was a thin slice on the edge of Adrien’s jacket hood.

Robin lowered the batarang, staring at him. “Adrien,” he said, desperately hoping if he stared hard enough it would prove to be a mirage. Adrien remained.

“Damian!” This time he was ready, wrapping his arms around Marinette as she slammed into him for a second time. She looked up at him with impossibly big eyes and a wide, slightly tipsy smile. “Hi.”

Damian reached up and carefully grasped her hands, gently pulling them away from his shoulders. “Marinette,” he said slowly. “What are you doing here?”

“Waiting for you!” she chirped. “And now you’re here!” She flung her arms around him again, snuggling closer. “Did you beat Freeze already? I told you optimism would win!”

“Yay optimism!” Adrien cheered, still laying on the ground.

“Spoiler is still dealing with Freeze. I’m here because of Poison Ivy.”

“Poison Ivy?” Adrien echoed, scrambling to his feet only to overshoot and end up summersaulting and ending up flat on his back again. “Is she causing trouble?”

Damian stared at him. Adrien blinked right back. “… _Yes._ That’s why there’s all these giant vines here.”

“Oh yeah.”

“I like the flowers,” a third voice said. Damian turned. Tikki had wedged her entire body into the bell of one of the flowers. She floated unsteadily over to Marinette and smushed her face into Marinette’s hair. “They’re nice.”

That. Was not good.

Marinette giggled. “Ladybugs like flowers. Maybe we should bring some home with us.”

No. Absolutely not. “That would not be the best idea.” Marinette’s smile faltered. Oh no. Damian was not equipped to deal with a disappointed Marinette. As much as he hated it he could at least handle an angry Marinette. “Perhaps _I_ could get you some flowers before you return home?”

Marinette immediately brightened. “You are the greatest Damian,” she said, burying her face in his shoulder and smiling. “I love you.”

He needed to get her and Adrien away and safe. He needed to get them out of here so they could start fixing what was wrong as a result of the pollen. “I love you too. And right now I still need the two of you to come with me.”

“Right! Poison Ivy!”

“No. I’m going to escort you out of the park and back to the police. From there you can call Alfred to pick you up and take you back to the cave. He has enough experience he should be able to at least be able to start breaking down and counteracting the pollen.”

“What about you?”

“I’ll tell the police you were separated from Damian during the attack and that he’s still in the park somewhere.”

Adrien’s face scrunched. “But _you’re–_ ooohhh right. Secret identities. You’re going to lie to them.”

“…Yes. I’m going to lie to them.”

“Wait,” Marinette said, frowning again. “Aren’t we staying with you?”

“No.” He gently disentangled himself from Marinette for a second time to hoist Adrien up from the ground. “I’m going to take the two you to the police and then you’re going to go back to the manor and I’m going to go after Ivy.”

Marinette rammed into his side again, wrapping her arms around him and clinging like her life depended on it. _“No.”_ Her lower lip jutted out in a pout that Damian imagined he would find adorable under literally any circumstances other than this one. “I’m staying with you. We barely get to see each other. And–! And we can help you.”

“You can’t stay.”

The pout deepened. “Do you not want me with you?”

Why did no one inform him beforehand about the dangers of being in a relationship?

“It’s not that.” Maybe appealing to logic would help him. “You’re currently Marinette. I’m currently Robin. Part of protecting our identities is making sure we don’t give away our relationship when only one of us is in uniform.”

Marinette’s brow furrowed in thought. “You’re right…”

“Thank you. Now let’s–”

“Tikki! Spots On!” There was a bright flash of light. Ladybug beamed at him. “There! Now I can stay with you without risking either of our identities!”

“That’s not–”

“Oooh! Are we transforming?”

_“N–”_

“Plagg! Claws Out!”

“Come on!” Ladybug started skipping further into the park, grabbing his hand to pull him along with her. “Let’s go find Ivy!”

Damian had a strong suspicion he’d lost control of the situation entirely.

* * *

“Not spontaneous! Not _spontaneous!_ I’ll show her spontaneous! Oh _ssuuurre,_ compared to the clown no one’s spontaneous but that’s just because he doesn’t operate under any logic at all! You’d think she’d appreciate a little structured spontaneity. _‘I Just think we should spice things up a little.’_ Well I’ll show her. It’ll be the sexiest thing she’s ever seen!” Ivy paused, tilting her head as she considered the scene in front of her. “The moss bed needs more flower petals. Unless maybe she’d prefer parade float style?” She waved her arm, directing the vine under her to lift up. “If it’s going to be a full bacchanalia Harls will probably want to stay in the middle of it.”

A batarang sliced through the air, cutting through the vine, causing Ivy to fall. Robin landed on a nearby tree branch in a crouch, second batarang at the ready.

Ivy stared up at him. “No.” She turned her back on him, going back to studying her moss bed. “Go away. Send someone else.”

It had taken a solid five minutes to convince Ladybug and Chat Noir that they should hang back while he dropped down alone, they were both continuing to act increasingly irrational, he still didn’t know what all the side effects of the pollen, and he needed to end this as quickly as possible so he could get them back to the cave. He did not have _time_ to deal with Ivy’s overblown relationship drama. Throwing the batarang to pin the sleeve of her jacket, he pulled a pair of handcuffs. “What are the effects of the pollen?”

“Look, Robin.” Ivy yanked her sleeve free. She stood up, brushing off the dirt. “I am trying to woo my girlfriend here. If you bats absolutely _have_ to crash the party, couldn’t you send one of the fun bats, or at least one of the ones who understands romance?”

“What. Are the effects. _Of the pollen.”_

Ivy paused. “Aw crap. Did I hit one of the bats? Dammit! That’s not going to help so Harley I can be spontaneous! Attacking a hero’s like, villain 101. Anyone can do that. _Killer Croc_ could do that.”

Robin kicked out Ivy’s legs from under her. A dozen vines shot at him.

“Get away from him!” Ladybug launched herself into the fight. Her yoyo flew as it wrapped around the vines. She landed on top of them, yoyo pulled taut. 

Ivy blinked. “Oh. Not a bat.” Shrugging she dropped into a fighting stance. “Harley thinks French accents are cute so maybe I can spin it for partial points.”

A thin vine of nightshade began snaking up the side of the plant, unnoticed by Ladybug. “Ladybug! Fall back!”

“But you were about to get hit!”

“I can handle it! Fall _Back!”_

“Did Daddy Bats sign you up for some kind of mentorship program with them or something? They get practice fighting things outside their weight class, you get practice leading heroes. Because if so I gotta say…” The vine snapped forward, wrapping around Ladybug’s ankle. Robin instinctively turned at the sound of her surprised yelp and Ivy used the distraction to land a kick directly to the center of his chest. “You’re failing pretty hard.”

“I said–” Grabbing the nightshade around her ankle with her free hand, Ladybug gave into the momentum of the swing, turning it to her advantage. With a sharp yank the cord of her yoyo cut through the trapped vines, dropping them severed on the ground. Ladybug landed with a flourish, yoyo already spinning. “Get _Away_ from him!!”

“Oh that was the wrong choice,” Ivy growled. The remaining vines converged around her like an army. “I am going to make you pay for that.”

_“Cataclysm!”_

A wave of death rolled over the plants, black tendrils creeping across the vines as they crumbled to ash.

 _“No!!”_ Ivy screeched as the last of the vines disintegrated under her. Robin felt his own heart sink. Synthesizing an antidote would be so much harder without any flowers to work off of.

With a feral growl Ivy reared up. She lunged for Ladybug, forcing her to skitter backwards. Ladybug swung her yoyo, trying to trap Ivy but she caught it, yanking Ladybug forward. When Ladybug stumbled she snapped her foot out, aiming a kick for her head that Robin was barely able to catch in time.

“I got it my Lady!” Chat Noir popped up from behind the trees, brandishing a pot containing–

“Is that my plant?”

“The flowers were pretty,” Ladybug said, shuffling back and forth. “I didn’t want to destroy all of it.”

“Huh. I think I like you kid.” She turned over to Chat. “Alright, give it here. I need to see how much damage your claws did when you ripped it up.”

“I didn’t use my claws.” He set the pot down at his feet before pulling a pair of spotted pruning shears from behind his back. “I used these.”

As if on cue both miraculouses beeped.

Grabbing both of them Robin shoved them behind a bush, rounding on Ivy to keep himself between them and her.

“Seriously Tweety, work on your mentorship skills.” She reached down for her plant. “At least Ladybug knows how to respect pla–” Robin punched her in the face. She stumbled back, landing on the ground.

_“The effects. Of the **pollen.”**_

Ivy stared up at him. Her right eye was already swelling from the hit. “Are you– I thought that was just gossip!” Her face split into a wicked grin. “When did _you_ get yourself a girlfriend?”

Robin hauled her up by her collar. _“The **Pollen.”**_

“Relax. It’ll wear off in a few hours. It was originally supposed to remove all inhibitions. But in this town you’d end up with way too much bloodsport so I tweaked it a bit to, you know, not encourage that. Point is, your girlfriend will be fine. Now I don’t suppose you’ll give me back my plant?”

“What do you think?”

“I’m just trying to create a perfect date night for Harley!” Robin glared at her. “You have a girlfriend now, you can understand– oh. I’m _interrupting_ your date night, aren’t I?”

_“What do you think?”_

“Ooops?” Ivy said, shrinking back. “So…” She started inching forward, toward the vine. “How about I take my plant and go and let you get back to your date night and I’ll get back to mine and we can just pretend none of this happened?”

Robin pulled out his sword and sliced it down in front of the pot, half an inch away from Ivy’s fingers. “No.”

“Oh come on! I need _something_ to surprise Harley with to prove I’m the best girlfriend ever and all the spice she’ll ever need!”

“I already helped with that!” Chat Noir popped out from behind a _different_ bush than the one Robin had pushed him into.

Ivy let out a startled yelp and accidently smacked him in the face. “Someone needs to put a bell on you.”

“I’ve already got one!” Chat reached up and flicked his finger against the bell at the collar of his suit, causing it to let out a happy tinkle. “Ding!” He flicked it rapidly several times. “Ding Ding!” Suddenly he shot straight up, his lopsided smile brightening. “Ooh! Watch this!” He flicked the bell again. Only this time it didn’t make any sound. “Magic!”

Ivy buried her face in her hand. “It’s like the time Abra Kadabra and Mumbo Jumbo gate-crashed happy hour.” Then she froze. “Wait. What do you mean already helped?”

“I called Catmom.”

“When?”

“Pammy!” Harley burst out of the trees, clinging herself at Ivy.

“Before the funny-smelling viney flowers.”

“Oh Pammy I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to say you didn’t have enough spice! You’ve got plenty of spice! You’re the spiciest gal I know! I guess I was just worried about _me_ losing _my_ spice. I didn’t want us to end up in rut. But you’re always going to be my spicy salad.”

The air had cleared of the pollen. Robin pulled off his filter mask and turned towards Chat. “Where is Catwoman?”

Chat pointed at the bushes. “She wanted to talk with Ladybug about your failed date night.”

_“What!”_

He turned and ran into the bush. Marinette was in uniform, sitting on the ground while Selina twisted it into a complex-looking braid, securing it with pins from her civilian hairstyle. “Trust me sweetheart, bats do that all the time. But the important thing is to stand firm.”

Marinette sighed, leaning back as Selina finished off the braid. “I know. I just– Oh hi – Robin,” she said, correcting herself before she could use his real name. Even drugged by a supervillain she still kept her wits about her. There was a reason he loved her as much as he did.

“Well look who decided to join us. Did Harley and Pam work things out?”

Robin narrowed his eyes at Selina. “What were you talking about.”

“We were just talking about y–”

“Don’t worry about it birdyboo,” Selina cut in smiling at him the same way she sometimes she did when she felt like teasing Batman. Damian suddenly viscerally understood why his father hated that expression so much.

“She’s right,” Marinette said, giggling even as she came up to peck him on the cheek. “Girl talk.”

Selina breezed past him back towards the others. “Anyway shouldn’t you be making sure Harley doesn’t kidnap the kitty?”

Poison Ivy was exactly where he’d left her, Harley still wrapped around her middle like a koala. Chat Noir was sitting on the ground with the potted vine in his lap. Robin pulled his handcuffs back out. “You are under arrest.”

“Wha– No! Pammy was just trying to do something nice for me!”

“You took over an entire park, compromised two superheroes and a cop and tried to drug the entire city.”

“So I wanted to make everyone into a happy drunk for a few hours! They would have been fine! Probably.”

“Yeah!” Harley said, wriggling down off Ivy and planting her hands on her hips. “Oh wait, before I forget, were you the one who punched Pammy?”

“Yes…”

Rearing back Harley socked him in the face faster than he could block. His right eye socket lit up in pain. Ladybug’s yoyo shot out, wrapping around her and sending her crashing to the ground before he even got his balance back. He put a hand on Ladybug’s shoulder, gently pulling her back before she could go after Harley any further. Letting Marinette get into an actual fight while intoxicated was not on his list for the night. He stared down at where Harley was wiggling around on the ground, chewing on the cord in an attempt to get out. “Please tell me this was not your attempt to stage an escape attempt for your girlfriend.”

“Nah, no way,” Harley said, blowing her bangs out of her eyes. “If I was trying for that there woulda been way more explosions. I know a simple hit’s not enough to properly distract a bat. This is about being fair. You hit my girlfriend, I get to hit you. If we were _really_ being fair I’d punch your girlfriend but Ladybug seems too nice for that. Besides I don’t really want to start a blood feud tonight. Well, maybe later. Just not with a Bat.”

Ladybug tilted her head in consideration. “Does that mean I should punch you? You did just punch my boyfriend.”

“Do you have superstrength?”

“Yes.”

“Then no. Introducing superstrength into a non-superstrength punch’em up isn’t fair unless it’s a free-for-all where you can break out the melee weapons.”

“I still feel like I should punch you.”

“Fun fact!” Chat said, popping up behind Ladybug’s shoulder. “Bugaboo is Feather’s soulmate because she’s secretly as savage as he is.”

“She’s your _soulmate?”_ Ivy asked. “Well that explains how you were able to get a girlfriend.”

Harley meanwhile stared up at Ladybug. “Aw biscuits. Did I just get myself into a blood feud with Robin’s soulmate?”

“Umm…” Chat said. “If you did I’m morally obligated to join her in her blood feud against you. She is my Lady and I stand with her in all things.”

“Fuck. I just wanted to give Harley a bacchanalia and now we’re going to end up in a war with the extended batfamily and their extended in-laws.”

“Right!” Selina called, clapping her hands together to get everyone’s attention. “I have a plan. One that hopefully avoids the blood feuds.”


	2. Paint the Town Red

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I wrote Harley as one part advice column, one part drunk texts from last night. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing but it’s definitely a thing.
> 
> How. The fuck. Did worldbuilding end up in this? Even minor worldbuilding? this was just supposed to be hijinks and drunk idiots.

“GIRL’S NIGHT!” Harley yelled, throwing open the doors to the bar. “LET’S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!!” She marched up and slammed her hand down on the bar. “Six shots of Betty Boop Juice!!”

**“No.”**

“Relax Birdy,” Ivy said, strolling in. “Adults only I promise.”

“Can we really call it that if Robin and I are here?” Chat asked, trailing in, holding the pot with Ivy’s vine. “Should we leave?”

“Nooo!” Harley cried, latching onto his arm and dragging him fully into the bar. “You absolutely need to stay! It can be an inclusive girl’s night! Now come on! The night is young and so are we!” 

Selina eyed the glasses the terrified bartender was lining up. “I’m not drinking that. Two of cosmopolitans.” The bartender glanced up at her and immediately scuttled away.

“That’s why I only ordered six. That’s three for me and three for Pammy. Although maybe we should get one for the kiddos to split. Hey barkeep!!” Harley leaned over the bar until her legs were kicking in empty air, waving her arm wildly back and forth to get her attention. “Make it seven!!”

**_“No.”_ **

Selina hauled Harley off the bar. _“I’ll_ order for the kids Harley.” She rapped her nails against the sticky fake wood surface, waiting until the girl hesitantly inched back to her spot. “White Russian, no ice, hold the vodka, hold the Kahlúa. Passion Fruit Hurricane, no rum, either kind. Rum and Coke, hold the Rum,” she said, pointing at Chat Noir, Ladybug and Robin in quick succession.

The bartender startled, staring at Robin with wide eyes. “Uhhh…”

Robin bit back a sigh and resisted the urge to let his head drop onto the bar top. “Tell me the drug ring we’ve suspected this bar of running isn’t for cocaine. And _please_ tell me the way patrons signal they are actually here to purchase said cocaine isn’t through that particular drink order.”

“Look, all I know is if someone orders that drink I’m supposed to send them to the back room and tell the manager.”

“Noted,” Robin said. “I’ll be right back.”

“The drug ring will still be there tomorrow,” Ivy said, ushering Ladybug and Chat Noir over to the tables, knowing Damian was going to follow.

Ladybug frowned, digging her heels in. “I still feel like we should do something. The heroic thing to do would be to go in there and shut it down.”

Marinette. Still under the influence of Poison Ivy’s pollen, storming a drug ring.

Absolutely. Not.

“Is there currently anyone in the back room?”

The bartender squeaked, scooting backwards. “N-No?”

“There’s no one currently purchasing cocaine within the bar, so there’s no pressing time constraint when it comes to shutting the ring down. Therefore, wouldn’t it make more sense to come back tomorrow night when we can have appropriate backup to better make sure no one gets away?”

“I guess…”

“Then we’re agreed that we’ll wait until tomorrow.”

“That makes sense.” Grinning widely, she leaned up to kiss him. Her aim was slightly off and she ended up hitting his nose instead. “You’re really smart _– Robin.”_

 _“They always this adorable?”_ he heard Harley stage whisper.

_“Pretty much,”_ Chat whispered back. Or more accurately, attempted to whisper. Discretion was apparently currently beyond his reach.

Robin waited until Ladybug and Chat allowed themselves be led over to the table by Selina before turning his attention to the bartender who was standing there frozen. “I trust the ones running the ring will not be tipped off in that time period.”

The girl let out a second, even higher pitched squeak. “Not by me! I think I’m catching a stomach bug. I think I’ll just stay home from work tomorrow! In fact maybe I should just leave right now!”

“Not before you fill out those drink orders,” Ivy said, leaning on the counter. The spider plant in the corner gave an ominous twitch.

“eeep!! Right away!”

Ivy rolled her eyes as the girl scuttled away, turning her attention to Robin. “I figured we’d have to drag you away to keep you from trying to break up that drug ring, what with how far up your ass that sword usually is. You _that_ worried about your girlfriend fighting? You know it’s not healthy to be so controlling.”

“I have every faith in Ladybug’s abilities. However _someone_ got her plant drunk while attempting to take over the city.”

“Gee,” Harley said, brow wrinkling in concentration. “I didn’t know plants could get drunk.”

Robin stared at her. “There is no way you are possibly this stupid.”

“I don’t take kindly to insults about the woman I love.” Several leaves from the spider plant shot out and wrapped themselves around his wrist. He wrenched his arm free. “You might want to consider your words more carefully.”

“And I don’t take kindly to threats to the man _I_ love,” Ladybug said, suddenly dropping into the conversation. Robin hadn’t been aware she’d been listening; he hadn’t even been aware she’d come back over. “I’m going to have to go back to the blood feud idea.”

“The kitten was right. You might look all sweet and innocent but deep down you’re just as feral as Robin, aren’t you? Alright, I’m suing for peace. If you really want to start a blood feud with someone for insulting Robin start with the Metropolis Insider. They’re garbage.” A rattling sound interrupted them. The bartender had returned, carrying a tray full of drinks. “Ooh perfect!” She snatched up the tray and sauntered away.

The bartender stared wide-eyed at Robin. “Please don’t arrest me,” she squeaked, scurrying backwards. This was the only job I could find that worked with my class schedule.”

Selina had already knocked back one of her cosmopolitans when Robin arrived at the table. Harley was already halfway through her second glass of Betty Boop Juice. Ivy pushed the coke in front of him as he sat down with a smirk. Damian eyed the dirty glass of carbonated sugar and artificial flavoring with distaste. Ladybug and Chat Noir exchanged a glance and then without a word reached for each other’s drinks in perfect sync.

“I thought kitties liked cream,” Ivy said, downing her first drink.

“I like passion fruit,” Chat said, the same time Ladybug said “Passion fruit is his favorite flavor.”

“How do you know that about him?” Harley asked.

“They _are_ partners,” Selina pointed out, the same time Ladybug said, “From the light stalking I used to do back when I had a giant crush on him.”

Ivy snorted out half her drink. “A crush? On _Him??”_

“Hey! I’ll have you know I’m _highly_ crushable.”

“That’s the problem kitty. How did you not end up crushed into smeary paste on the pavement by Robin?”

“He wouldn’t have done that,” Ladybug said, the same time Chat said, “Ladybug wouldn’t have let him.”

“I’m right here,” Robin ground out.

“You exploded a pillar with my face on it.”

“We were in the middle of a fight.”

“And the billboard of my face you threw your sword at?”

“You had a whole billboard of your _face!?”_

“You threw a _sword_ through his face?”

It was official. Damian hated this night.

Selina leaned across the table with a smirk. “How have I not heard this part before?”

“Because we stopped being in love with each other ages ago.”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Selina said, holding up a hand. _“Each other?_ Kitten you’ve been holding out on me.”

“Uh-huh. We were both _stupid_ in love with each other. For like… ages and ages. But then the lovesquare collapsed under its own weight. And now neither of us is in love with each other. We just love each other.”

“Love Square?”

Robin stared down Selina. “Do you really want to know?”

“Oh honey, you know the answer to that is yes.” Before Robin could cut off Chat Noir’s no doubt horrible, disorienting, painfully embarrassing explanation, before Chat could even open his mouth to start explaining, Harley interrupted them by way of throwing herself across the table.

_“You have **cookies** in your weapon!?!”_

Robin glanced over. Ladybug had opened her yoyo and reached into the void contained within to pull out a chocolate chip cookie. Harley lunged forward halfway across the table, only stopped by Ivy’s grabbing the back of her shirt. Robin pulled out a knife but Ladybug didn’t react at all. “That is the coolest thing _ever!! Can I have one?”_

“Sure?” She pulled out a second cookie and held it out to Harley. Harley immediately shoved the entire cookie in her mouth. She froze. “Dis,” she said, spewing cookie crumbs everywhere, “is de bes’ cookie eyef ever tafdid.” She grabbed Ivy’s arms, shaking her. “Pammy! You’ve got to try these!”

“I would but you ate all of it.”

“I have more,” Ladybug said, pulling out two more and holding them out to Ivy and Selina.

Ivy took a bite of hers and her eyes immediately went wide. “Holy crap,” she said staring down at the cookie. “That really _is_ good.”

“Thanks! – Robin and I made them this morning.”

“Robin _bakes!?! Robin!”_ Harley grabbed the tattered remains of his cape, yanking him forward. “I promise I’ll give up crime forever if you just bake me three dozen more of these! No, four dozen.”

“You already made that promise to Spoiler if she taught you her eyeshadow techniques. You lasted a month before you robbed a bank using two grenades and a rubber chicken.”

“Oh yeah. I forgot about that. Well this time I really, really mean it.”

“And you made it to Red Hood in exchange for his chili recipe. That time lasted less than a week before you kidnapped the entire executive board of Queen Consolidated.”

“Oh yeah. I forgot about that too.”

Chat Noir suddenly froze, body going perfectly still except for his ears, which twitched rapidly. “My Lady.”

“Do you want a cookie too?”

“No. I mean yes. Cookie please?” Ladybug held out a cookie. Chat snapped it in half and happily shoved it in his mouth. “Mmmm. Cookie. Oh, right. Not what I was going to say. Someone just ordered a rum and coke, hold the rum.”

Ladybug shot to her feet. “It’s officially become time sensitive!” she yelled, vaulting over the table.

Robin lunged after her. His hand closed on empty air.

“Alright!” Chat vaulted after her, using Robin’s shoulder as a launching pad, accidentally shoving him to the ground in the process. “We’ll _cat_ ch them red handed!”

Pushing himself back upright, Robin glared at Selina. “Coming here was _your_ idea. You couldn’t have grabbed them?”

Selina smirked. “They can handle themselves birdie. Besides,” she lifted her glass, wiggling it back and forth. “I haven’t finished my drink.”

_“You–”_

“Lucky Charm! Ooh tape!! I can work with this!”

“Never mind.” Pulling out his sword he raced for the back room.

“Cataclysm!”

A man ran out from the back room. “Which of you fucks led a goddamn _bat_ to my bar?”

All three women glanced at each other. As one they reached for their remaining drinks, slamming them back as they stood up.

“Time to go.”

* * *

When the police arrived five minutes later, the spider plant had taken over the entire front room, grabbing any patrons unlucky enough to not get out of its way fast enough. The bartender was clutching a napkin on which Catwoman had written this woman is an innocent bystander, do not arrest. There were three men tied up in the alley, two of them with the thin high-tensile rope they were used to from criminals Batman left them and one in so many party streamers only his eyes were visible. Inside the back room the table was piled high with bags of cocaine, money and a red and black spotted roll of packing tape. A huge chunk of the ceiling was missing and taped to the exposed ductwork on either side were four more men. Lieutenant Arno, having only just managed to pass the mess at Vesper Park over to Strode to direct the clean-up crews, glared up at the criminals.

Just then Catwoman popped up in the doorway. “Excuse me,” she said, reaching for the roll of tape. “We forgot this.”

“Wait!” Arno yelled before she could disappear entirely. “What the hell happened?”

“Inclusive Girl’s Night.”

“What–”

“I know the name’s awful. We’re still workshopping. Oh, and don’t worry about the ceiling criminals, they’ll come down on their own. Ooh!” She grabbed a bottle of vodka off the table. “I’m taking this too.”

 _“Wait–!”_ But she was already gone.

A minute later a wave of sparkling ladybugs swept through the building. It wrapped around the criminals on the ceiling, depositing them on the floor with their cohorts. A curl of ladybugs broke off and vanished into the wall. A hidden safe popped open revealing even more cash and a small pile of jewelry and watches.

The criminals gaped dumbly at the now open safe. “How’d those bugs find our–” One of them started to say before the guy next to him elbowed him in the stomach.

“That was planted!! The ladybugs created it! We’re being framed!!”

Lieutenant Arno stared at the open safe, then down at the yelling criminals. He let out a long sigh. “Robin just _had_ to start dating a magical hero.”

“But–” one of the younger officers said, blinking dumbly, “Robin’s not–”

“If they don’t really look like they could kick anyone’s ass but Robin looks at them like they could kick _everyone’s_ ass they’re dating. Trust me. It was the same thing with the first Robin and Kid Flash.”

“I don’t–”

“You get used to it. Or you move to Keystone.”

* * *

The ladybugs didn’t so much fade away as abruptly cut off as Ladybug’s transformation gave out.

There were no bushes to shove them behind this time.

Robin pushed Marinette behind him anyway in the vague hope that he could block enough of her from view to keep her identity safe before she could transform again. As the light from the detransformation faded Marinette’s chin came around to rest on his shoulder.

…Marinette’s chin shouldn’t reach his shoulder anymore.

“Hey, did you get taller?”

“Shoes!” Marinette cheered, kicking out a foot to show off her heels. “They’re really tall.”

“Ya know,” Harley said, tapping her chin, “for some reason I think of magical superhero transformations as making you taller.”

“I _knooow,”_ Marinette said, letting her head roll against the side of Damian’s neck. “It’s not _faaaiiir!_ He’s already grown so _taaaallll_ since we started dating! And he’s only going to get _taaalllleeeer!”_

“You have my sympathy,” Selina said. “Bats is built like a goddamn tree.”

Ivy made a face at her. “Don’t bring my trees into your cheap soap-opera romantic drama.”

 _“Cheap?”_ Selina said, wheeling on her. “I’m not the only one who’s tried to get a piece of that cowl. I’m just the one who’s actually succeeded. Or did you forget how you used to _throw_ yourself at him? Poisoned lipstick? The leotard made entirely out of leaves? Draping yourself out in the middle of a giant flower that only unfolded when Batman appeared?”

“I also dated Kite Man. Bats used to have a sense of humor. Nightwing used to run around decked out like a traffic light. People change.”

As they sniped at each other Robin pushed Marinette back further behind him. He glanced over at Chat Noir. He at least was still transformed. Small mercies. They were pushing their luck every second Marinette remained untransformed. As it was Marinette would never be able to wear this dress in Gotham again for the risk of Harley or Ivy recognizing it.

…It was his favorite of Marinette’s dresses too.

There was no time to think about that now. He needed to focus on the problem at hand. “Ladybug. You need to retransform. Now.”

“But then it’ll be harder to kiss you!”

_“Your identity is at risk.”_

“Don’t worry!” Tikki chirped, flying up and smacking into his face. “Ladybug is always Ladybug is a Ladybug! And a Ladybug is always glamorous!!” She bounced back then dipped in midair, flying and thinking apparently too much for her to do at once in this state. “Wait. I don’t think that came out right. What I mean is– What I _mean_ is–” She dipped further. Robin reached up and cupped her before she could fall all the way to the ground. “A ladybug is always a glamour. No wait–”

“What Sugarcube _means–”_ Plagg said, flying into the middle of the group. Which meant Adrien had detransformed too. Wonderful. “–is that all miraculous wielders have a glamour that protects their identities and is a part of the natural magical connection they have as wielders. It’s a part of the wielder, not of their transformation. Most people don’t realize it since detransforming in front of someone, especially someone who knows you, is one of those things that tends to break glamours anyway. But these two only know Ladybug and Chat Noir so that’s still all they’re seeing. Brain scrambliness and all.”

“So I can stay tall?”

“Sure!”

Marinette clapped her hands together in joy before reaching up and kissing him.

Very Thoroughly.

…Maybe the night wasn’t entirely bad after all.

“Hey why are you less messed up than the red one?” he distantly heard Harley ask

Plagg turned and leveled an unimpressed gaze at Harley. “I am the god of destruction and chaos. Which of us do you _think_ handles getting high better? And her _name_ is **_Tikki.”_** Harley leaned back, her often unused self-preservation flaring to life in the face of the surprise eldritch voidbeast of total annihilation suddenly floating in front of her. Then Plagg blinked and reverted back to nothing but a tiny floating cat. “Hey is that food?” Faster than Robin could track he’d swooped over to Marinette, suctioning the cookie straight out of her hand and into his mouth. “Not as good as cheese but it’ll do. Got any more?”

“No.”

“Why _noooootttt???”_

“No I mean I really don’t have any more. You just ate my last one.”

Damian slowly wheeled to face Marinette.

“Ladybug,” he said, _absolutely calm._ “Do you mean to say you don’t have _any_ more cookies with you?”

“Nope.”

He took a slow, _highly controlled_ breath. “Alright. Tikki will just have to make do with some of Chat Noir’s ch–”

“WHAT DO YOU _MEAN_ YOU DON’T HAVE ANY MORE CHEESE!!”

“You ate it. Back before with the– at the park– with the vines and the– and the flowers. You said the flowers smelled stupid and then you grabbed all the cheese and ate it.”

Marinette’s arms wrapped around her middle as she snuggled closer to him. “Guess I’m staying tall for now,” she said with another kiss to his cheek.

Meanwhile Harley and Ivy were staring at Chat Noir.

“Looking at you makes my brain hurt and I have no idea why,” Ivy said. She circled Chat Noir, squinting at him. “I know you have to be Chat Noir. He was the only other person here; now you’re the only other person here. But I keep looking at you and my brain just– skips.”

Robin glanced over at Chat. He looked like Adrien Agreste in a Ladybug themed hoodie. The same as always. He glanced over to Selina for confirmation. She shrugged.

“How is this not hurting your head!” Harley yelled. “Ladybugs are supposed to be spotted!” She threw her arms out, waving them wildly at Marinette. “See! Black cats aren’t spotted too!”

“Ooh. We’re seeing through the glamour, aren’t we?”

“Well I can see through the glamour too!” Harley slapped her hand over the top half of his face. “Yep! That is definitely Chat Noir’s chin! I used this method once to identify Bruce Wayne when I ran into him while treating myself to a day out on the town. Mista J and I were going through a rough patch and I’d left him. It didn’t stick and I ended up going back to him but progress isn’t always linear, backsliding is a thing that happens. The important part is not to beat yourself up about it when it does, you just gotta remember that those steps are an important part of self-discovery, and focus on the fact that your overall trajectory is still forward. I mean look at me now, I’m happy, I’m confident in my own skin, and I’ve got a stable, healthy relationship with a gal who’d give me the moon and take over the city for me. But the point is, I was taking a break from Mista J, having a me day, when I ran into Bruce Wayne. Real sweet guy, and smarter than the gossip sites make him out to be, also he wasn’t nearly as scared of my babies as everyone else was. Man were people freaking out over them, especially back then. I mean sheesh people, haven’t you ever seen a hyena before, they’re paper trained and everything.”

Robin stared at Harley. What even was that woman’s thought process.

No. On second thought, he did not want to know. Doing so would only lose him braincells.

Harley pulled back her hand then immediately slapped it back down. “Nope! Still as much of a headache before.”

“But now I can’t see.”

“I can lead you!”

**“No.”**

“Emergency make-up!” Harley yelled, pulling a small bag out of her jacket. She pulled out a sponge and a can of green face paint. “I’m running low so I’ve only got green, blue and red right now,” she said, smearing paint onto the sponge

“Why do you have face paint in your emergency make-up bag?” Selina asked. “You don’t _wear_ face paint. You haven’t in years.”

“What’s that got to do with anything?”

Selina considered it for a moment before shrugging.

“Perfect!” Harley stepped back. From the bridge of his nose all the way up to his hairline was now bright green. It made his eyes all but glow but taken with the red hoodie he looked like an extra in a Whoville flash mob.

“I’m still getting a headache.”

“Now I’m starting to get one.”

“I can fix it!” Chat cried. He wriggled out of his hoodie, revealing a Batman tee shirt underneath, and started flipping the jacket inside out. “Reversible hoodie!” When he pulled the jacket back on it was now black with an electric green pawprint in the middle. He pulled the hood up. There were cat ears on it. “Because my Lady is _purr_ fect!”

“You make puns?” Harley demanded. She grabbed Chat by the shoulders, shaking him back and forth like a rag doll. “Can you borrow Robin’s costume sometime? Just for one night, come on, please? We haven’t had a properly punny Robin in more than a decade and I miss it so much!”

Suddenly there was a scream from two blocks over.

In the blink of an eye Ladybug and Chat Noir went from relaxed to high alert

“Someone needs help!”

Robin stepped out of Ladybug’s hold. “I’ll go check it out. Stay h–” Ladybug turned and raced into the night in the direction of the scream.

“Did you really expect that to work?”

Robin spared a moment to glare at Poison Ivy before taking off after her.

He caught up to her a block away, grabbing her wrist to pull her to a stop. “You aren’t transformed. You have no powers and no weapons.”

“You’re right. I’ll need the element of surprise!”

She twisted out of his grip, grabbing the rung of a nearby fire escape ladder and hoisting herself up. Robin stared at the blank spot where Marinette had been only a second earlier.

He could follow her up and try to catch her again, or he could end the fight before she could get a chance to join it.

Biting back a curse, he pulled out his sword and threw himself around the corner into the alley.

There were three men surrounding a woman. She’d backed up against the wall, clutching a brick and wearing that uniquely Gothamite expression that said she had no expectations of winning but the first one to step within her reach would get hurt. One of the men eyed the brick like it was a threat, another like it wasn’t, and the third like it was part of the entertainment. Robin aimed for that one first.

Ladybug appeared on the roof of the building overlooking the alley. He had not finished the fight even remotely in time. She caught sight of the fight, putting on a burst of speed. The back of her heel caught the edge of the roof wrong, slipping off the edge and her foot gave out from under her. For a single, heart-stopping second the world slowed down as Marinette hung suspended in midair. Robin pulled out his grappling hook and fired it. Before he could do anything more Ladybug had grabbed the wire and used it to slow her descent. When she was directly overhead the second mugger she let go of the rope, landing on top of him. The mugger went down hard.

Robin stared down at the unconscious criminal. Then up at Ladybug.

“Ow.” Ladybug slowly uncurled her hands, revealing that the grappling wire had sliced her palms. “That hurts.”

“Jesus Christ are you okay?” the woman asked, dropping her brick and running over. “Don’t you normally wear gloves?”

“It’s date night!” Ladybug chirped. She reached to grab Robin’s hand only to hiss when she was reminded of her injured hands.

Robin took her wrists, turning her hands over and pulling out a roll of gauze from his belt. “Are you alright?” he asked the would-be victim as he started wrapping Marinette’s hands.

“I– Yeah. Thanks to you and, uh thanks to you and her.”

“Ladybug!”

“Ladybug. uh, hi. I’m, I’m Reena.”

“Hi Renna! Are you okay?”

“Yeah… But uh, I think the third guy got away.”

As if summoned the third mugger came sailing back into the alley. He landed on top of his cohorts in a pile of unconscious limbs.

They all three stared down at the mugger.

“You missed one,” Selina said, appearing in the mouth of the alley.

“Yeah! It was really funny! He ran straight into us! You shoulda seen his face when he realized what he did!”

“My Lady! Chat Noir bounded into the alley. Right before he reached them he jumped into the air, landing happily on top of the pile of muggers. His tail whipped side to side, hitting the third man in the face with every pass.

“Not to worry my Lady! Catmom and I have got it covered!” He stopped and blinked at Reena. “Oh Hi! You must have been who screamed. Are you okay? Do you need a hospital? Police officer? Cup of tea? Ooh actually that one sounds nice.”

Reena stared dumbly back. “Um…”

“Hello? You still in there?”

Ladybug leaned forward to whisper loudly at him, “Chat, you’re speaking French.”

“No, I’m speaking English.”

“You’re not. Now you’re speaking Mandarin.”

“Are you sure? It doesn’t feel like I am.”

“French again.”

Chat blinked slowly at them. “My Lady I think my brain‘s stopped working.”

“That was in English this time.”

“Oh good.”

* * *

Reena’s apartment was only two blocks from where she had been attacked. Robin saw her home while Ladybug and Chat Noir – armed with Robin’s collapsible bo staff and Reena’s brick – watched over the unconscious muggers and Catwoman, Harley and Ivy were left to do whatever they wanted, and would decide to call it a night and just go if there was any mercy in this world whatsoever.

Damian already knew there was not.

When he got back Ladybug and Chat Noir were tying up the already secured muggers while Selina and Harley looked on, passing the vodka between them. Ivy… was nowhere to be seen.

And neither was her vine.

Somehow this night just continued to become worse and worse.

Ladybug’s head shot up as soon as he returned. “–Robin!” She cried, jumping up and running over to him. “You’re back!” Her heel caught in a crack in the pavement, pitching her forward. She stumbled hard into Robin’s chest. “Oof! Sorry!”

“You need to practice fighting in heels.”

“What she _needs_ is to go back to the cave for medical treatment for her hands.”

“No, Harley’s right. Everyone should know how to fight in heels. You never know when you’ll have to. How long are you in town for? We’ll carve out a night to teach the three of you the basics.”

“You must be joking.”

“Can you fight in heels Robin?”

“Tt.”

“That settles it. This Wednesday, nine o’clock sharp. Bring your own shoes or we’ll get some for you. In the meantime you need different shoes.”

“But– Then I’ll be _short_ again! I _like_ being within kissing height of – Robin!” To demonstrate she threw her arms around Robin’s shoulders and smushed her lips against his.

“I don’t know which is more impressive, that you’ve tripped up on Robin’s name every single time you’ve said it, that even with that I haven’t heard a single syllable of his real name, or the frequency with which you can get Robin to forget his professionalism in favor of romance.”

“Kissing’s important but broken ankles aren’t worth it,” Harley said. “Trust me sweetie, I’ve been there. Batman had to carry me outta that warehouse while the whole place was falling down around our ears. I’ve since learned how to fight in them but until you do it’s better to go barefoot.”

“Okay!” Ladybug reached down and yanked off her shoes, leaning against Robin for balance.

“Wait! You can’t just run around Gotham barefoot!”

“But you just said to!”

“I didn’t mean for _you_ to do it! Your feet are _not_ equipped to handle Gotham streets. “I think we’re about the same size. You can borrow my shoes.” She sat down on the ground and started tugging at her laces. “I’ve got surprisingly tiny feet. When I was little other kids used to call me Cinderella. And then when I took up with Joker I started wearing padded shoes to make them look bigger. Cause clowns are supposed to have big feet, ya know? But you gotta learn to love your body for the way it is, not the way other people say it ‘should’ be.” She suddenly stopped and stared straight at Marinette, expression going serious. _“Do not._ Let **anyone** tell you that what you look like and who you are is wrong. You are a young, female superhero. You’re going to have to deal with **_soo_** much shit in this line of work. _Especially_ since you’re foreign.” She smushed her face right up into Ladybug’s. “Do you know how much people hate France over here? Everything French. Like, the whole country. Here!” She thrust the shoes into Ladybug’s hands. “Try them on and see if they fit!”

Ladybug let go of Robin to sit down on the ground and pulled on the shoes.

“Well?” Harley asked as she stood up. Amazingly enough the black leather boots decorated with shiny red rubber actually matched her outfit fairly well.

Ladybug kicked out her leg, flexing her foot. “They’re a little loose.”

“I can fix that!” Chat plopped down on the ground and began pulling off his shoes. “Here!” he said, tossing his socks at Ladybug. Ladybug grabbed the socks out of midair and sat back down on the ground and began pulling the boots back off.

Ivy walked into view, carrying her vine, Plagg and Tikki flying around her head.

Robin had assumed the kwamis were hiding with their wielders.

Apparently that assumption had been false.

“Okay so Plagg might have destroyed a Seven Eleven when they only had cheese spray but Tikki ate a cookie before she declared all of them horrible and my vine’s fine so that’s…” Ivy slowed to a halt, taking in the scene. “…fine. Everyone is on the ground. And Harley is barefoot. Why are you barefoot?”

Harley stumbled to her feet, throwing herself at Ivy. “We’re gonna teach the kiddos how to fight in heels Wednesday night.”

Ivy she shrugged. “Sure, I can resched– Wait.” Ivy pulled back from Harley just far enough to point an accusing finger at Ladybug. “Do you mean to tell me she’s been running around in heels not knowing how to fight in them?” The finger swung over to Robin. “Where are your sisters, I need to talk to them about properly teaching younger heroines. You’d think they’d know better.”

“It’s fine! Ladybug’s gonna borrow my shoes and I’m gonna borrow hers since I know how to run around and kick things in heels.” She grabbed one of Ladybug’s shoes and shoved her foot in it. “I just gotta–” She rolled back as she used both hands to try to jam her foot into place. “Just gotta get– Ow! Ow ow ow ow ow!” She ripped the shoe off her foot, tumbling over entirely. “I think this is a one-way exchange. Your shoes are just a little to snug for me.” She squinted into the shoe like there was a hidden switch that would make it bigger. Then she shrugged. “So much for being Cinderella,” she said, chucking it over her shoulder.

“Eh, Prince Charming’s boring anyway. I’d much rather steal the crown and run away with the hot plant lady!”

“No stealing.”

“You’re no fun!”

Robin ignored them, turning back to Ladybug. “We need to go back to the cave. Your hands are sliced open.”

“Huh.” She looked down at them, turning them over like she’d forgotten. “So that’s why they hurt. Ooh! But I can fix that! Tikki! You ate a cookie!”

“It was disgusting. I’ve never eaten a staler–”

“Spots on!”

“Lucky Charm! Miraculous Ladybug! My hands feel better now!” Ladybug’s earrings let out a beep and the first spot disappeared.

Well at least Robin’s black eye was healed.

Unfortunately, so was Ivy’s.

“Alright! The superpowers are _back!_ Let’s go!”

“Harls, you’re still barefoot.”

“That’s okay!” Ladybug scooped Harley up princess style and started walking. “Superpowers!! I can carry you! Ivy, do you want a lift?”

“I do!” With a running leap, Chat launched himself at her back, wrapping his legs around her waist and squeezing his arms around her shoulders. Ladybug didn’t even falter.

Ladybug glanced upward with a smile as Chat propped his chin on top of her head. “Comfy?”

“Very,” Chat replied, snuggling down into the hold.

“Ivy? Selina?”

“I think I’ll pass. This does not look stable.”

“Oh Please. My Lady once balanced a bus, three ice cream carts, two umbrellas, a life-sized bronze statue of Napoleon _and_ a toy poodle. All while still keeping up with the akuma we were chasing.”

“Oh my god YES! This is awesome!! Why have I never lived in a city with a superpowered hero before. Pammy! We need to spend our next vacation in Paris!”

“No.”

They made it three blocks before Selina asked, “So where exactly are we going here?”

“Towards Adventure!” Harley cried.

“Yeah but adventure where?”

Ladybug stopped walking. “……I don’t know.” The final spot flickered out and her transformation gave out. She immediately collapsed under the weight in her arms. “owww. But at least my hands don’t hurt anymore!”

Ivy heaved a sigh and fished an opened package of cookies from her jacket. “I’ve got m–”

 _“NO!!”_ Tikki swatted the bag out of Ivy’s hand. “Those cookies are _lies!_ _Liiiees!_ I need **_real_** cookies!!”

“Then we’ll get you real cookies,” Selina said.

“No,” Robin shot back. “We’ll get her back to the cave where she can come down in a controlled environment.”

“I’ve read enough mythology to know we appease the capricious gods, not piss them off. Your aunt is part of this stuff, you should know this.”

“Don’t worry!” Harley crawled out from under Chat Noir. “I know a girl we can get baked goods from!”

“You know someone who has a bakery?” Robin said as she climbed to her feet.

“…Noooo… but she does sell them!”

**“No.”**

“Don’t you have any faith in me Robin?” Harley asked, sticking her lower lip out in an exaggerated pout.

“I do not.”

“That’s a little hurtful. But don’t worry, I won’t take it to heart. I’ll just have to prove you wrong. Onwards!”

Ivy scooped her up in her arms. “You’re still barefoot,”

“Ooh this is even better!” Harley said, snuggling closer.

Ivy smirked, adjusting her hold to be even closer. “Now you’re getting the idea.”

“We are on a public street. Have _some_ dignity.”

“I’m sorry, _how_ many times have you made out with your girlfriend tonight?”

* * *

Arno didn’t take his eyes off the wreckage in front of him even as he pulled out his ringing phone. “What is it?”

“Sir, I’d like permission to break out the bolt cutters.”

Lieutenant Arno pulled the phone away from his ear to stare at it. “Could you repeat that Strode?”

“The bolt cutters sir. And maybe the bone saw.”

“I sent you to pick up failed muggers.”

“Yeah, well they’re tied up in what I think is spare grappling line, and you know what that stuff’s like. I once saw it break a bandsaw.”

 _“When_ did you see it break a band saw?”

“That’s not important right now. The important thing sir is that they are currently tied up in what I can only describe as a drunk man’s Gordian knot and I can’t get them to the station unless I either cut them out or tie them to the top of the squad car. Maybe the Commissioner would know a trick for–”

 _“Do not_ call the Commissioner. I am _not_ explaining to him why we interrupted his one night off. Just– Permission granted, just make sure the muggers themselves are still in one piece when you’re done. And be on the lookout for evil fairies.”

There was a long pause on the other end of the line. “Evil fairies, sir?”

“It’s the only description the witness gave.”

“…Does this have to do with Robin’s girlfriend and future brother-in-law?”

A gust of breeze snapped up and the Seven Eleven collapsed entirely. “Probably.”

* * *

“So,” Harley’s hand had disappeared completely inside Ivy’s jacket. Robin had given up complaining about it. “How strong is this glamour thing anyways?”

Chat spun around, throwing his arm out to point. He overshot it and ended up falling on his butt. One of Ladybug’s heels flew out of the oversized pocket of his jacket. Undeterred, he threw out his leg, flexing his foot to point his toe at Robin. “He refused to admit to having a crush on her because he was already in love with her.”

All three woman ground to a halt

“You’re kidding.”

“Nope!”

There was no salvaging this night.

Ladybug giggled. She leaned her head against his shoulder. “I thought it was cute. Besides, I had a crush on Robin.” She leaned across him to whisper conspiratorially, “Have you _seen_ how hot he is in his mask?”

Harley cackled. “You found yourself a keeper!”

“And _you’ve_ got a type Ladybug,” Selina said, picking the shoe up and tossing it back at Chat Noir. “First Chat Noir, then Robin. You’ve got a thing for heroes.”

“Yeah but my crush was on Chat’s civilian form. Before I knew who he was.”

“You didn’t know your own partner’s identity?” Ivy asked.

“More important question!” Harley scrambled over to where Chat was still laid out on the ground. “You had a whole billboard of your face as a _civilian!?”_

Ivy was looking back and forth between Ladybug and Chat in concentration. “Does this have anything to with the Love Square thing you mentioned earlier?”

“Okay but you knew who was under the mask,” Selina said, before pointing at Robin. I appreciated his dad’s smile but I didn’t fall for it until I knew about the brain behind it.”

Robin squeezed his eyes shut. “Please stop talking.”

“Batman’s not exactly known for his smile.”

“She’s not talking about Batman’s smile, she’s bragging about knowing about knowing who’s under the cowl.”

“Again, I’m just the one who actually succeeded.”

 _“Please_ stop talking.”

“I’m sorry, which of us is in a steady relationship with a smoking hot badass and which of us has an ‘it’s complicated’ mess with an emotionally constipated man with a small army of kids?”

Robin was legitimately relieved when Plagg yelled, “BLINKING LIGHT!!!”

He was less relieved when Plagg flew off.

And then Chat Noir ran after him.

He took it back. He was not relieved at all.

“We need to get him back.” He took off after him, Ladybug hot on his heels.

Chat continued chasing Plagg, somehow swerving around and leaping over obstacles without even looking. When Plagg began pulling away Chat dropped onto his hand to put on a burst of speed.

Except he was currently Adrien and Chat Noir style running did not work while detransformed. Adrien tripped. He hit the ground hard, crashing into a group of trash cans. Plagg zoomed out of sight.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine my Lady. Hey, uh, guys? When did the world start spinning?”

Robin helped Ladybug fish Chat up then folded his arms. “That settles it. I’m taking you both back t–”

“Oh my god!” Chat darted out of Ladybug’s hold and scurried down the nearest alley.

“I hate this night.”

“You’re not having fun?” Ladybug asked, voice wobbling. “Do you not like spending time with me?”

“No! I love spending time with you! I love _you!”_ Marinette sniffed, looking at him with large, watery eyes. Damian **_hated_** this night. “Any night spent with you is a good one. I’d simply… prefer spending it in a more… private setting, with… less people involved.”

Marinette had stopped sniffling now. Thank god. Damian was in absolutely no way equipped to deal with a crying Marinette. “I like spending time alone with you too.”

“So why don’t we collect Chat Noir, and then go home,” he said, trying desperately for the same effortlessly cajoling tone Nightwing used to get drunks to stumble off rather than start barfights. “We can drop him off in the cave, then pick back up with our date. Optimism, right?”

“Optimism!”

“Okay. Then why don’t we go find–”

“My Lady!!” Adrien vaulted over his shoulders, brandishing something red and sparkly. “Look what I found!!” He thrust out a carnival masquerade mask covered in red sequins and black feathers. “I’ve got my mask, you needed one!”

“It’s so pretty!”

“Now we’re _really_ ready to go!”

They had been _so close_ to ending this night early.

“Oh there you guys are!” Harley said, popping around the mouth of the alley. “We were wondering where you guys got to!”

_So. Close._

Chat and Ladybug bounded over to the three women, Robin reluctantly following behind. “Look what Chat found for me!” Ladybug pulled the mask down over her eyes. The elastic caught in her hair and several hairpins fell to the ground.

“Ooh pretty!” Harley squealed, reaching out to touch a feather. “And perfect timing too!” She reached into her jacked pocket, rummaging around until she pulled out a plastic bag. “Voilà!! Three of Mary Jane’s homemade brownies, made with love!”

“Uh, Harls?” Ivy said, sniffing the air as Harley wrestled the bag open. “Is ‘love’ the only… _extra_ ingredient in the brownie?”

“Of course! Well that and–” Harley froze. “oh. _Wait, don’t–”_ But Tikki had already grabbed one of the brownies and taken a giant bite.

“ehehehe… well…” she said grinning sheepishly at Ivy. “I guess we’ve now both drugged God.”

“Drugged **_a_** god,” Selina said.

“Eh, po-ta-to, po-tah-to.”

“It’s _~fine~”_ Tikki said. It would have been more convincing if Robin believed the loop-de-loops she was making were in any way intentional. “Once I’ve been personally exposed to something once it won’t affect me again.”

“So you’re immune to anything you’ve tried before,” Harley said, eying the brownie. “Does that mean…”

Tikki floated up and stared Harley dead in the eye. “I have existed since time immemorial.” Without breaking eye contact she ate the remaining thing in one bite. “This is nothing.” She floated unsteadily over to Ivy. “Even your pretty pretty, so pretty…”

Marinette gently scooped the kwami into her palm. “Tikki?”

“Right. Even your pretty flowers aren’t that big a deal. Not compared to poppy or datura.”

Chat inched closer to Harley, eyeing the remaining brownies. “Can I try–”

Robin grabbed his wrist. “No.”

“Sure he can!” Tikki cried. “Plagg got himself exposed way, way before I did. He always does!”

“So that means I can–”

**“No.”**

“Tikki!”

_“Wait don’t–”_

“Spots On!”

“I caught the blinking light! I told you I could– What’s going on?” He floated down. “That’s not _cheeese!!!_ Where’s my _CHEEEESE!!!!”_ The side of the alley crumbled where Plagg flew too close to it. “Wait. What’s that smell?” Blinking, Plagg flew closer, studying the brownie. “Ohhh… _fun_ brownies.”

“We. Are. Aware.”

“‘t’s fine! Tikki said– she said– she said we’re ~ _immune._ We’re immune because she’s immune and I’m her! I’m her and she’s Ladybug and we’re us. Me. The sky’s really pretty.”

“Hah! Sugarcube always forgets that when we’re affected by something new it becomes that much harder to fight off the effects of things we already know about.”

Heart sinking, Robin turned to look at Ladybug. “And does this temporary lack of immunity transfer over to your wielders when they transform?” he asked, already knowing the answer.

Plagg cackled. “Oh absolutely!”

“So Robin won’t let me eat the last brownie…” Chat said slowly, “…but if _you_ eat it and then _I_ transform…”

 **“No–”** Robin grabbed for the remaining brownies. He was half a second too slow, only grabbing one of them while Plagg inhaled the other.

“Plagg! Claws Out!”

Chat Noir flopped backwards onto the ground and immediately began giggling.

Ladybug flopped down next to him.

Robin stared down at them. He turned towards Harley. “Miss Quinzel,” he ground out, drawing his sword. “I would like to have a _discussion_ with you.”

“ehehehe… want a brownie?”

* * *

Lieutenant Arno didn’t say anything as he stepped out of the squad car and walked over to where a sword was stuck halfway into a solid concrete bollard.

A closer inspection revealed his previous guess was correct, that it was in fact Robin’s katana. Arno drained the rest of his coffee. The current Robin was not the type to part with his weapons. Not voluntarily at least. This Robin had died once already; Arno was really hoping to avoid the fallout from a repeat performance. He crushed the coffee cup in his fist. Someone had to inform the Commissioner.

Arno’s phone began ringing.

It looked like that phone call would be happening sooner rather than later.

“Commissioner.”

“Yeah sorry about that Arno, this isn’t actually Gordon,” Oracle’s voice said through the tinny speakers. “I’m just calling to ask you to take Robin’s sword back to the station with you. We’ll – oh god, did he really just shove her in the river? He did! And– oop there goes Chat Noir! Oh Plagg’s gonna be so pissed – anyway we’ll pick it up from the station tomorrow but – oh sweetie no, those aren’t weapons. I respect that you don’t want to use your lucky charm yet but those aren’t– we need to get her some hair spikes that can double as knives. Anyway, when you get a call about a fight on the riverbanks I’d avoid blundering in sirens blaring, trust me, you don’t want to get in the middle of that. We’ve got it hand– ouch. And Ladybug had only _just_ healed that eye. So anyway Robin’ll be by to pick up his katana tomorrow. Gotta go!” With that, Oracle hung up.

“Sir!” A second car pulled up and Strode got out, jogging over to him. She stopped when she got a closer look at the sword. She looked hard at the trapped sword before turning back to him. “Should I start organizing the search teams? Will–” she stepped closer, lowering her voice. “–will we need the body dogs?”

“Oracle’s not worried. Robin’ll come by and get his sword tomorrow.”

“Oh good.” She stepped back and looked over at the sword again. “In that case before we break out the tools can I try to pull it out King Arthur style?”

“Strode…”

“All due respect sir, you owe me.”

Arno pinched the bridge of his nose. “Fine.”

“Sweet!”

* * *

More than one person lingering outside the Iceberg Lounge turned to stare as Catwoman sauntered up, two villains and three heroes in tow. Ivy was covered in concrete dust. Her collar was ripped and she had an already darkening, painful-looking black eye on her left side. Harley barefoot, dripping wet with chocolate smeared all across her shirt. There was a sluggishly bleeding cut on her cheek and a handful of red sparkling hair pins stuck into her ponytails. Chat Noir was likewise soaked, dirty water dripping off him in a steady stream, creating a small puddle under his feet. Ladybug was wrapped around Robin, hair in complete disarray like someone had grabbed it and yanked, falling out from a braid, a handful of sparkling red pins like the one Harley was wearing stuck precariously in. She turned her head and one fell out, bouncing off the ground. Robin was missing his usual sword. He had a black eye to match Ivy, swelling bad enough to be noticeable even through his mask. Catwoman, by contrast, was immaculate, holding a potted vine against her hip and smirking. “I think it’s high time for some more drinks. Starting with strong enough to blind you and going from there.”

Penguin appeared as if summoned, bodyguards in tow. “What are you doing here Selina?”

“A night on the town. We’re here for a drink. Or do you not sell those here anymore?”

“And the kids? I somehow doubt Batman’s youngest bird is here to introduce his little foreign friends to the joys of underage drinking.”

“Already got that covered!” Harley cheered.

Penguin looked over at Harley. He turned to look at Ladybug and Chat Noir, then to the pot under Selina’s arm. “You’re drugging heroes now?” he asked Ivy. “Isn’t that a bit cliché?”

“Oh fuck off.”

A woman ran up and whispered something in Penguin’s ear and his eyes widened. He threw his fat arm out, blocking Selina’s path. “Go away! Your ‘night on the town’ already broke up the only cocaine ring in the city!”

“We might not have narrowed down precisely which office building but we do know about the drug ring over on 14th Street,” Robin said.

He looked over at Robin before turning back to Selina. “You broke up the cheapest cocaine ring in the city!”

“Are we not going through the door?” Chat asked. He blinked twice slowly. “I can fix that! Cataclysm!”

The concentrated vortex of destruction hand was an inch from the wall when Robin tackled him. **“No!”**

Chat’s hand connected with one of the ornate statuettes flanking the door. It immediately crumpled into dust.

“My statue!”

Ivy glanced down at the ash. “Yeah, that’s gone forever.”

“I can fix that!” Ladybug cried. “Lucky Charm!” A red and black spotted, miniaturized version of the statuette appeared in Ladybug’s hand. She threw it up into the air. “Miraculous Ladybug!” A million ladybugs burst into existence and twined themselves through and around the building. Cracked windows and tarnished fixtures instantly repaired themselves. A thousand little damages vanished, previously unnoticed in the well-maintained room until the wave of ladybugs washed over them, leaving them gleaming like new. A hundred injuries on the patrons inside, much more noticeable, healed themselves under the red glow. A final stream of ladybugs twirled through the dust left behind by the statuette, kicking it up into the air and rebuilding it.

Penguin stared at fading ladybugs. “Fine. Lark!” he said to the woman. “Clear off the best table! Kick whoever’s sitting in it out! You break anything and I’m throwing all of you out on your ears. And I’m sending you a bill for damages.”

Chat spun around staring around the room as they walked through the bar towards roped off private tables. “Hey, you got any cheese?”

Penguin blinked over at Chat Noir. His leather catsuit had vanished, leaving him in a cat-eared hoodie and green face paint over his eyes. Beside him Ladybug, now in a themed dress and a masquerade mask, was trying to tug Robin in the direction of the band. “Cheese.”

Chat Noir nodded his head up and down like a bobble head. “Uh-huh. Smelly cheese.”

“Smelly cheese,” he echoed. He glared over at Selina. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“Nope!” Tikki chirped, flying directly into Penguin’s face.

“Whaugh!!” Penguin flailed, swatting at Tikki. An iron grip grabbing his wrist.

“You should know that’s a god you just tried to swat,” Ivy said, poison-sweet.

“Yeah, and the other god’s one of death and destruction,” Harley chimed in. “And he’s really protective of her.”

 ** _“And so am I,”_** Ladybug said, grip tightening. For the first time Penguin registered who had grabbed him. Hadn’t she been halfway across the room?

“Uhh…” He tried to pull his hand away. Ladybug’s grip kept tightening. He glanced uncertainly at the others.

Selina back against the nearest railing and smirked. “I don’t think you and Ladybug were formally introduced. She’s very protective. As I’m sure you can tell.”

Ladybug’s grip had grown tight enough that he could hear his bones creak.

“Ladybug,” Robin came up, touching her shoulder. “Didn’t you say you wished to dance?”

“Really?” Ladybug dropped Penguin’s arm, criminal completely forgotten as she grabbed Robin’s arm, beaming up at him. She started leading him away only to almost immediately stop. “Wait. But we should find some cookies for Tikki first.”

“Cookies.” Penguin glanced up at Tikki. She was flying loops around the nearest chandelier. It was unclear if it was a reflection off the crystal or if she was actually trailing sparkles. “Lark! I want cookies and smelly cheese at the table immediately!”

“We don’t ha–”

“Then go out and get some! We’re entertaining gods here!”

“Ooh!” Harley said. “We should have Ladybug make some! She and Robin make the _best_ chocolate chip cookies!”

“Uh-huh. Sure,” Penguin said, sarcasm heavy enough that even Ladybug in her currently… _excessively distracted_ state, caught it.

“You don’t think our cookies would be any good?” Before Penguin could say anything Ladybug’s expression morphed into angry determination. “I’ll show you! Where’s your kitchen?”

“I’ll show you!” Plagg said, swooping down out of nowhere. “They didn’t even have any good cheese!” Plagg flew off, presumably towards the kitchen.

 _“Wait–!”_ But Ladybug had already run off after him.

“Ya know,” Harley said, nodding sagely, “the definition of insanity’s doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I’m a professional, you should listen to me.”

“What you _are_ is **_clinically insane.”_**

“Genius and madness go hand in hand. Either way, I’m getting cookies.”

* * *

Somehow watching Ladybug make cookies became a spectator sport. Selina, Ivy, Harley, Penguin and half the kitchen staff stood on the edges of the kitchen, passing bottles of tequila between them, watching as Ladybug yell in French at a stick of butter that wasn’t softening fast enough.

“J’ai besoin d’un rouleau!”

“What was that?” Penguin asked as Chat Noir started ransacking the kitchen for a rolling pin. Robin found it first and shoved it in the dishwashing station to hide it. Marinette could be… enthusiastic in her butter softening while sober. He was _not_ going to see how that translated while high.

“Would this work?” Chat asked, holding out…

Holding out a _meat tenderizer._

“Ooh! Yes!” Ladybug said, happily seizing the mallet and swinging it down hard and fast.

Butter exploded everywhere.

…It was a very good thing for those countertops that Ladybug currently did not have superstrength.

It was only once the cookies – as beautifully formed as anything created at the Dupain-Cheng bakery despite the absolute _warzone_ of the surrounding kitchen – were in the oven that he was able to coax her out of the kitchen, and even then it was clutching a timer.

“Now that that’s done,” Penguin said, motioning one of his waitresses over as they sat down at the luxurious booth in the center of the floor that constituted the best table in the house. “What are we having for real drinks?” 

“A Cement Mixer and a Short Trip to Hell!”

“Blood and Sand and Buried Treasure.”

“A Lita Grey and a Charlie Chaplin.”

Penguin’s lips twisted in a grimace. “You three have no taste. Bloody Mary, extra fish sauce.” The waitress hurried away. “So. Birdy's got a magic girlfriend now. This going to be a long-term thing?”

“Totally!” Harley said, cheerfully, and possibly purposefully oblivious. “They’re–”

“Let’s put it this way,” Ivy said, smoothly cutting in, “you might as well start thinking about wedding gifts now.”

“Goddamn it. Do you know how expensive good magical insurance is?” Penguin snatched up his drink from the returning server, draining it in one long go. “Keep them coming,” he demanded. Slumping back in his seat he waved a flipper at Ladybug and Chat Noir. “You’re from France, right?” he asked before turning his attention to Robin. “I don’t suppose you’d go over there rather than them staying here.”

“We’re not moving here _yet,”_ Ladybug said. The server set the last drink down and Ladybug grabbed the woman’s sleeve, tugging her down before she could leave. “Oh! Can you make sure the kitchen staff rotate the trays? They need to be rotated front to back and top to bottom or they won’t bake evenly, and what’s even the point of making cookies if you’re just going to ruin them with an uneven bake so it’s super important they do that so can you make sure they have? Thank you!”

The woman stared down at her. “…Sure,” she said, glancing uncertainly at Penguin. “I’ll get right on that.”

“Sorry Penguin, they’re staying. I’ve already adopted them both since Chat Noir’s my newest kitten and they’re–”

 ** _“NO!!!!”_** Plagg zoomed out, snapping his teeth a half-inch from Selina’s nose. **“My kitten!!”** He flew down into Chat’s hood, latching onto his hair and poking out his head out to bare his teeth at them. **_“Mine.”_**

“Plagg, get off Chat Noir’s head,” Robin said. “You’ve been accidentally disintegrating things all night.”

“No!”

“It’s fine!” Tikki said, plopping down on top of Ladybug’s head. “Magical residue. Plagg can’t hurt him. Same as how Ladybug would be fine since she’s part me and we balance each other out.”

“My kitten.”

“Your kitten.” Chat said, grinning up at him, cross-eyed. “Wait. Does this mean I should reorder my family list?”

“Awww!! He’s so tiny and feral!” Harley squealed the same time Ivy said, “I’m not even going to ask,” the same time Selina said, “My spot is far enough down that stupid list without getting knocked back by a living beanie baby,” the same time Ladybug said, “I think we can count the kwamis as a separate list,” the same time Penguin asked. “Family list?”

Robin buried his face in his hand.

Predictably, Chat, having been drilled since infancy to be the most polite and helpful child possible or else, focused on Penguin since he’d been the only one to phrase his as a question. “I have so much family now! It’s great!”

“Did you not before?”

“Not really. First it was just Maman and Père. Then it was just Père. And now he’s in prison and my mother’s in the basement.”

Everyone in earshot turned to stare. Chat beamed, completely oblivious.

Penguin set his drink down. “Your mother’s in your basement?”

“Uh-huh. I might kind of hate Père but it’s still the best place to keep her.”

A couple of the nearby patrons scooted back.

Chat’s cheer started to falter, finally catching on to the mood of the room. He glanced around, confusion and worry slowly but surely creeping into his expression. “Um…”

Ladybug noticed it too. “She’s not dead,” she said, reaching out to squeeze her partner’s hand. “We would have buried her if she’d been dead.”

“Yeah! That’s right! The coffin’s more of a– A Not Coffin!”

Several patrons scooted even further back. A couple started glancing at the door. Penguin’s bodyguards started inching closer.

Selina took a large sip of her drink, clearly enjoying the show.

“She’s in a magical coma,” Robin said, pitching his voice loud enough to be heard throughout the entire room. “Ladybug’s working on reversing it but it isn’t safe to have her stay in a hospital in the meantime.”

The mood in the bar instantly relaxed. There were several murmured expressions of sympathetic understanding. One of the patrons, a large, burly man in dock worker’s clothing, scribbled something on a napkin and held it out to Chat. “My cousin got possessed by a demon for a while a few years back and she’s still got some left-over magic from it if you need any extra help.”

Chat positively beamed up at the man, taking the napkin and waving it. “Thanks!”

Harley leaned forward, propping elbow on the table and resting her chin in her hand. “Huh.” She reached out with her other hand to ruffle Robin’s hair. Robin knocked her hand away before it could connect. “No wonder you and Tweety get along so well. You’ve both evil parents. Bonding through common trauma and all that shit.”

Chat shook his head back and forth, ears on the hoodie flapping wildly back from the force. “Orders of magnitude. My father never knew he was trying to kill me.” He paused, considering. “Although he did pretty much disown me when he realized I wasn’t evil too.”

The murmuring throughout the bar got louder. “Some people,” a man a couple tables over in a knit cap said. “They just got no respect for what being a father really means. Take me and my son. He went and became a cop. A goddamn cop of all things. Said he wanted to _protect the innocent_ and _uphold law and order._ But do I love him any less? Of course not! We make it work, like family’s supposed to. He doesn’t ask me if I’ve pulled any jobs and I don’t ask him about his investigations.”

“He’s a damn good cop too,” a woman in head to toe in black body paint and spiked leather called, raising her drink in salute. “Arrested my brother last week.”

“See? But we still have Thanksgiving dinner together every year. Now I’ve got an adorable granddaughter that I babysit once a month while he and his husband have date night. Kids are gonna be who they’re gonna be. You just gotta accept them for who they are.”

“Not according to Père. Said I’d betrayed my mother.”

“The same mother who’s in a magical coma?”

“Yep!”

“…And did he have anything to _do_ with her falling into that coma?”

“Highly debatable!”

“That settles it!” Harley stood up, slapping her hand down hard on the table. “How does one go about getting on this family list?”

“No.”

“I’m… not actually sure. Mostly by wanting to be on it. And not being evil.”

“Well it’s not like me and Pammy are _evil_ -evil. We’re just a little non-law-abiding. So long as you don’t have to arrest us it shouldn’t be a problem.”

**“No.”**

“No one asked you birdy.”

“No no. He’s got a point. The whole time trying to arrest my father were some of the worst months of my life. And that was even with good things like getting officially adopted by Ladybug to even it out. It’d probably be better to bump the qualification up to not being a criminal.”

“…How flexible are you going to be about that point?”

“I mean, Catwoman made it on the list,” Ivy said, pointing a swizzle stick at Selina. “So it can’t be that stringent.”

“No offense Ivy, but I am on an entirely different level of criminal than the two of you. Besides, I get special adoption privileges because we’re so clearly birds of a feather.

Chat blinked. “But we’re not birds. Robin’s the bird.”

Damian dropped his head on the table.

He gave up.

“So if I get myself a pair of cat ears…”

**_“No.”_ **

“I need another drink before I can deal with any of that,” Penguin said. Lark hurried over to the table. “Lark! Another round! And where’s that smelly cheese I told you to get?”

“Sir, I need to talk to you–”

“Can’t you see I’m busy here! I already told you, we’re entertaining gods tonight!” Lark leaned in and whispered in Penguin’s ear. _“WHAT!!!!_ WHAT DO YOU MEAN **_MISSING!?!”_** He whirled on Ladybug, grabbing for her. “Why you little–” Robin pulled out a knife and stabbed him in the hand. At the same time Ladybug grabbed the drink tray and slammed it into his face.

“Fight!” someone in the back yelled.

Chaos erupted almost immediately.

Penguin’s bodyguards jumped up from the neighboring table and charged at them. Selina’s foot snapped out to meet them while Harley grabbed the empty glasses off the table and started chucking them. The stupidly expensive white lotuses floating in the stupidly overwrought water feature in the middle of the floor spontaneously grew ten feet. Roots shot out of the water. Around them all the other patrons had gotten up from their tables, throwing punches at the guards and at each other, grabbing bottles of alcohol and snatching up weapons. One of the guards pulled out his gun. 

And that’s when things start getting really wild.

The back doors burst open as Penguin’s entire security team streamed out. Ladybug launched herself out of the booth, kicking the closest one in the chest before spinning to elbow another in the head. Robin dived after her, pulling out two more knives. He _really_ missed his sword right about now. One of the guards lunged for Chat Noir.

“Keep your paws off my nephew!” the man in the knit cap yelled, smashing a chair over the man’s head.

“Weren’t you listening? He said no criminals!”

“I’m on parole!”

“Yeah and your parole also says you’re not allowed to socialize with your former associates or be within fifty feet of a bar. You’re failing both of those!”

“Yeah but my parole officer don’t know that!”

Chat weaved through hands trying to grab him. “I’ve always wanted to try this!” he yelled, running full tilt before grabbing a serving tray and leaping up onto the bar. Plagg followed behind him in a coffee cup saucer, trailing his paw along the bar, splitting it open in his wake.

Someone had the brilliant idea of creating a Molotov cocktail. It smashed into the wall of liquor behind the destroyed bar. Everything caught on fire. The already frantic yelling kicked up in pitch and alarms began wailing as the sprinklers went off.

In the background something dinged.

“My cookies!” Ladybug cried.

Robin grabbed her arm. “Forget the cookies!”

“But– Cookies!”

“Later!” He pulled her along after him, grabbing Chat Noir from where he was swinging on one of the chandeliers as they went. “We need to go! Now!”

Lark stepped in front of the door, wielding a weapon Robin couldn’t immediately identify but bore far too close a resemblance to a minigun for comfort. Robin skidded to a halt, reversing direction and pulling them back towards the kitchen.

“Yay cookies!”

He pulled miniaturized explosive and aimed it at the weak point in the wall next to where the ventilation shaft came down. The wall exploded in a hail of concrete and plywood splinters. “Someone take the cookies out!” Ladybug yelled as he tugged them onwards through the newly created escape hole.

They barely made it five steps before there was the squeal of tires and three unmarked black cars tore out of the parking garage. The windows rolled down and bullets started flying at them.

“That’s not very nice!” Tikki yelled. Somehow she’d managed to stay clinging to Ladybug’s hair the entire fight. Robin backed up back towards the Iceberg Lounge. The kitchen door flew open and as the rest of Penguin’s guards burst into the room.

Shit.

Just then a second car wheeled around the corner. It smashed directly into the front bumper of the closest car, sending it spinning wildly.

Harley leaned over and threw open the passenger door. “Get in losers!”

“Did you just steal a car?!”

“It doesn’t count if it’s a drug dealer’s!”

“Yes it still does!”

“Agree to disagree!” she yelled as Ivy grabbed them and pulled them inside the car. “And oh yeah, you can tell Daddy Bats you figured out which office the coke ring’s working out of! I’m telling you Tweety, you need to learn to accept help from others better,” she said, spinning the wheel hard as the gunshots resumed. Selina shoved her head down just before a bullet hit the windshield and it exploded in a shower of glass. “I’m serious,” she continued as if her head hadn’t just almost been taken off. “Good communication starts by listening to others. Really listening, not just tuning out for the socially acceptable amount of time while they talk.”

Robin pulled out a handful of miniaturized explosives, throwing them at their tail. “I am not taking advice from someone whose license was revoked before I was born.”

“But I’ve still got all the learning in my head!” Letting out a wild laugh she floored the accelerator, tearing off down the street. 

* * *

Smoke was still pouring out of the Iceberg Lounge when the emergency vehicles rolled up. A dripping wet Penguin was standing outside, yelling.

_“How could **half** the inventory go missing!”_

“When the ladybugs swept through–”

_“ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME YOU LOST MY INVENTORY TO **LADYBUGS!”**_

“Everything all right there Mr. Cobblepot?” Arno asked, walking up. Penguin straightened, tugging his sopping coat into order.

“Lieutenant. So nice of you to show up. Late as usual.”

Arno waved Strode over from the second car, flipping open his notebook. “You were saying something about missing inventory? What inventory would that be, exactly?”

“Alcohol. It might have escaped your notice but it’s flammable, and half my bar was just set on fire.”

“Are you sure that was _all_ that went missing?” Strode asked, walking over. “Nothing a little… _older?”_

Penguin narrowed his eyes at her. “I don’t know what you’re implying officer but some of those bottles were _plenty_ old. Now, unless you want to help me map out an insurance claim you can talk to my lawyers.”

“We’re not done here Cobblepot.”

Four of Penguin’s bodyguards, sporting two black eyes, a broken nose, a sprained wrist and an ugly gash on the head between them, stepped in front of them. One of them not so subtly reached into their jacket. “Yes you are.”

Arno stepped back. “We’ll be in touch, Mr. Cobblepot. Come on Strode, let’s start taking statements.” After a long, tense moment, Strode followed him.

There was the quiet _shnk_ of a grappling hook making contact and Spoiler dropped down in the middle of the street. She had a pair of red heels tucked under one of her arms.

“YOU!!” Penguin shoved his way past his bodyguards, waving his wrapped, bloody hand. “That psycho little brother of yours stabbed me!”

“He tried to attack my nephew’s sister!” a man wearing a knit cap with drink stirrers stuck in it, bent to resemble cat ears yelled back.

Arno took a deep breath. “You mean your niece?”

The man shrugged. One of the ears fell off. “I don’t know. I’m not sure how open she is to adoption.”

Ignoring everyone, Spoiler marched over to Arno. When she was two steps from him his phone started ringing and she snatched it out of his hand without a word. “Where is he?” she demanded. “I don’t want you to put me through to his comm, I want to know where he is. Oracle I swear to god– You’re kidding. _You’re kidding._ And he’s where? **_You’re kidding._** Keep him there. Do not test me right now Oracle, I’ll do it.” Not bothering with any kind of goodbye Spoiler hung up the phone, shoving it back at Arno.

Strode took a step forward, jutting her thumb behind her at the police cars. “We have Robin’s katana in the back of my squad car. We were going to take it to the station but we haven’t gotten a chance yet. You want it?”

Spoiler took a deep breath, forcing a tight smile as she pulled out her grappling hook. “No. Because if I have his sword with me I’m liable to _stab_ him with it.”

She swung off. Arno and Strode watched her go. “You realize sir that the night’s only going to get worse from here.”

“I am really trying not to.”

* * *

The pursuing cars had dropped off several blocks ago. Their stolen car rolled to a gasping stop, fuel indicator past empty.

“Woo!!” Harley yelled, kicking open her door and jumping out. “We did it!!”

One by one everyone else stumbled out of the car. Robin turned and pointed at Selina. “No more bars.”

“Okay so we had a bit of trouble with the first two but–”

“No. More. Bars.”

Robin’s comm chirped. “So,” Oracle said. “How’s your night been going?”

Robin froze. “Oracle.”

“You might be interested to know… Ladybug’s lucky charm over-fixed things at the Iceberg Lounge by sending more than a hundred stolen antiquities back where they belonged so a bunch of museum coordinators are still freaking out. Especially since one of the items is apparently a wish-granting rock that’s supposed to be cursed.”

“Have you been keeping tabs on me the _entire night?”_

“Of course I have,” Oracle said, eyeroll practically audible. “What did you expect me to do?”

“And you couldn’t have helped me _at any point in this?”_

“Are you kidding? This is one of the funniest things ever. Besides, I have been helping. Mainly by gently nudging the cops to ignore the string of public disturbance calls that have been following you guys all night.”

“You are the worst person in our family.”

“I know you mean that as an insult but I’m choosing to take it as a compliment.”

“Hey,” Ivy called, interrupting him. “Did anyone see where Harley went?”

Just then Harley bolted around the corner, arms laden down with at least two dozen already melting tubs of ice cream. “We gotta go! I think I just got into a blood feud with the cashier of the convenience store down the block!!”

“What did you–”

“Let’s just say they take that whole ‘no shirt no shoes’ thing super seriously there!” There was a loud thump as a dark figure landed on top of the car. “Oh shit they followed me!”

Robin shoved Ladybug and Chat Noir behind him, pulling out his last knife. Selina dropped into a fighting crouch. Ivy grabbed Harley, pulling her down. “How did you get into a blood feud in less than five minutes?”

“I’m an overachiever. You know that Pammy.”

“Did you know you’re trending right now?” the figure asked. “Because you’re trending right now.”

“Oh yeah,” Oracle said in his ear, “Spoiler’s looking for you.”

Spoiler flashed him a smile she generally reserved only for criminals who had royally pissed her off. “Robin.”

“You could have contacted me through my comm.”

Spoiler’s smile grew sharper. “I really couldn’t. My comm shorted out two hours ago. Besides, as gratifying as yelling directly into your eardrum would have been, this requires a more public callout. So just to be perfectly, one hundred percent clear on this. You left _me_ to deal with Freeze by myself. And _then_ when I’m finally done with that I find out you left me with a dozen and a half free-roaming, drugged civilians. While _you_ went off to go clubbing with your girlfriend and Harley Quinn. And then you run up and down Gotham, causing nothing but chaos that _I_ have to follow you around cleaning up. I _really_ hope it’s been worth it because when you get back to the cave I am going to kick. Your. **_Ass.”_**

“Believe me, this is not my idea of ‘fun.’”

 _“Uh-huh._ And why did I find Ladybug’s shoes with a fence who said he’d traded a carnival mask for them?”

“Hey my shoes!” Ladybug darted out from behind him, reaching up for the heels. Spoiler stared at her. “You’re out of uniform.” She whipped her head over to Robin. _“Why is she out of uniform!”_

“It’s cool! Whatever magic she uses to hide her identity is really strong and it’s kind of messing with me. Hey, what color is her hair because I _think_ I remember it as black but I can’t tell anymore.”

“We ran out of cheese and store cookies are gross and Robin wouldn’t let us stop for the ones Ladybug was baking at the Penguin bar,” Chat said, darting around Robin and flopping over Ladybug’s shoulder. “That was really fun. I got to bar surf!”

Spoiler gaze darted back and forth between them. “…They got caught in Ivy’s pollen,” she said slowly.

“Yeah, sorry about that,” Ivy said. “I was trying to prove to Harley I could be spontaneous.”

“They actually got hit with Ivy’s pollen. It sounded like they had. But I thought _noooo…_ There’s no way Robin wouldn’t immediately take them back to the cave if that was the case. _Like protocol._ Because _Robin_ would _never_ jeopardize their safety like that! Robin would _never_ let them run around Gotham, _high on supervillain plant pollen_ destroying bars and blowing up armed convoys!”

“We’re having a Girl’s Night!” Harley said, clapping her hands together.

“That name still doesn’t work any better than it did at the beginning of the night.”

“We’re having an Inclusive Girl’s Night!”

“The name’s still a work in progress,” Ivy said, poking her head out from where she’d been fishing her potted vine out from under the passenger seat. “It was Selina’s idea. Want to join us?”

“No.”

Spoiler leapt down from the car. “Hell yes! You guys know _The Dingbat_?”

_“No.”_

Selina wrinkled her nose. “The one where all their specialty drinks are bat puns? That’s a tourist bar. I mean sure it’s okay once or twice but–”

“They have a back room and an entire secret drink menu based off Gotham’s villains. And if you make up a drink and they like it enough they’ll name it after you. Jason Todd’s got one that’s literally two shots Everclear, two shots absinthe, two shots of the absolutely cheapest vodka they have, and emptying the closest open energy drink.”

Harley pumped the air. “Sold! Let’s go!!”

**_“No.”_ **

Spoiler draped an arm over his shoulder. “Come on Robin. The night is young and so are we! Right guys?” she called, sweeping an arm out towards Ladybug and Chat Noir.

“Yeah!”

“Then let’s go!”

“I hate you,” Robin growled through gritted teeth.

Spoiler’s hand on his shoulder squeezed painfully tight. “Not nearly as much as you will, baby bro. Not nearly as much as you will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, for the love of all that is holy _**do not**_ try to create Jason’s drink. It might just kill you.
> 
> There are two types of Gotham cops (well, three if you count dirty, but we aren’t): those who just roll with the crazy and do their best to just ignore it and keep doing their job; and those who embrace the crazy. Arno is the former, Strode the later. (Pretty much the entire department thinks Gordon’s the former. He is not. He might not show it as much but he basically helped co-raise an entire generation of bats.)


End file.
